


Karkat: Snoop

by traceExcalibur



Series: tE's Homestuck AFic Collection [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-04-19
Updated: 2011-04-22
Packaged: 2017-10-18 09:52:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/187637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First part of a collection of erotic fanfics written about Homestuck.</p><p>Two chapters so far: The first finds our ever-grumpy protagonist enlisting Nepeta's help in an attempt (and failure) to spy on Rose and Kanaya and prevent sloppy makeouts from occurring. The second chapter follows Nepeta as she flees the ventilation shafts after their snooping attempt ends in disaster.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Karkat: Investigate

**Karkat: Investigate**

It was a potential code red scenario. Karkat rushed through the halls, desperately searching for his targets; he needed to confirm his facts, and he needed confirmation now! If Terezi was telling the truth, it would mean absolute disaster. The plans that he had spent hours perfecting would all have been fruitless. It all hinged on the veracity of that single line of text, and on his actions this very moment!

GC: D1D YOU S33 ROS3 4ND K4N4Y4? 4R3N'T TH3Y TH3 CUT3ST COUPL3  >;]

It couldn’t be true! Not after everything Karkat had gone through! Sloppy human/troll makeouts were the enemy, and Karkat had to do everything in his power to keep the enemy at bay.

Karkat rounded a corner and quickly ducked behind a pillar. Surely enough, as Terezi had informed him, Rose and Kanaya were strolling down the hallway chatting idly and holding hands. _Holding hands._ The Crabby Troll Makeout-Prevention-O-Meter had nearly reached zero; one wrong move and it was all over! Karkat circled the pillar and dashed towards the next wall as the two lovebirds passed him by and left the room. He tiptoed towards the door and his neck craned around the corner, and he watched them continue down the next hallway. He began to creep down the hallway, sliding across the edge of the floor, taking care not to make a sound. This mission had to be carried out in absolute secrecy! If anyone were to find out ab—

”what the fuck are you doing dude”. Karkat jumped and wheeled around to look at the unnoticed Strider.  “you look like youre practising to audition for one of egberts shitty action flicks”

“FUCK OFF, STRIDER.”

“speaking of egbert have you seen him anywhere? i invited him and jade to hang out and get schooled in the art of irony by professor strider himself but i cant find him anywhere”

“I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM. NOW FUCK OFF.”

“but man i gotta find him. hes my best bro and i love him”

“I’LL EVEN ADD A PLEASE. PLEASE WOULD YOU JUST FUCK OFF ALREADY YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK.”

“yeah yeah”

On that note, Dave shrugged his shoulders and left.  The insufferable prick had done an excellent job of wasting Karkat’s time, and he’d lost track of Rose and Kanaya. A cursory inspection of the next few rooms turned up no evidence. Goddamn Strider. He probably knew what Karkat was doing and decided to distract him just for kicks. Karkat made a note to deliver him a fresh verbal smackdown as soon as he had the time to figure one out. Trolling was a lot easier when he could count on Trollian to give him ample time to think.

At this rate, it would be impossible to complete his mission alone. Karkat, reluctant as he was to ask for help, had no choice but to seek assistance. And of course, the person who would be most helpful was the person he least wanted to seek help from.

* * *

 **Karkat: Snoop**

Karkat groaned loudly. A week earlier, he had received a package and a note from Kanaya. The note read, “Forgive Me For Meddling, But Nepeta Asked Me To Make This For You. Doubtful As It Is I Hope You Like It” Inside, he found a lovingly crafted crab costume; two lovingly crafted gloves, a reddish-white jacket made to look like a shell, and a hat adorned with crab-like feelers. Karkat found the outfit disgusting, but here he was a week later, and he was wearing it.

“DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS? AN ENTIRE GODDAMN SOLAR SWEEP WOULD PASS IN THE TIME IT TOOK ME TO WRITE OUT A LIST OF THE THINGS I’D RATHER BE FUCKING DOING.” Despite his best attempts to dissuade her, his confidant giggled and nodded.

“FINE.” Karkat sighed and rolled his eyes. “THE CRABBY MAGISTRATE PUTS FURTH A MOTION TO REQUEST HELP FROM THE—“ another loud groan, “IMPURRTANT POUNCELLOR.”

Nepeta clapped her paws together (Her sleeves, dammit, get your shit together Karkat!)  and smiled at her prey. “:33 < *the pouncellor regards her furvorite subject and nods. she asks the crabby magistrate what help he n33ds*”

“I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE DARK SORCEROR AND HER VAMPIRE APPRENT –”

Nepeta’s eyes were daggers. “:33 < if you wont make crabby puns, you have to use cat puns!”

“APURRENTICE, SORRY.” She was clearly enjoying this rare chance at roleplaying with her beloved friend. “CAN THE POUNCELLOR SPARE—“ Daggers. “UGH, SPURR SOME TIME?”

“:33 < *the pouncellor agr33s to help her friend.* i would love to help you with any and all issues involving my furvorite ships!”

“GREAT. THEN HELP ME BREAK THOSE TWO UP.” Bad idea. Nepeta hissed and leapt at Karkat, pinning him to the ground.

“>:OO < the pouncellor would never interfur with a ship like that!!”

 “ALRIGHT, WHAT DO I DO TO CONVINCE YOU? I’LL PET YOU ON THE HEAD. THAT’S HOW LOW I’M WILLING TO STEEP RIGHT NOW, NEPETA.”

 “XOO < no way! that would be unfurgivable!”

“JEGUS FUCK, FINE. NO INTER—“ Karkat sighed and readied himself. “NO INTERFURRENCE. BUT I’M NOT LETTING THOSE TWO LOVEY-DOVEY ASSHOLES RUN AROUND UNCHECKED. YOU KNOW HOW THE VENT SYSTEM WORKS, WE’RE GOING TO GO SPY ON THEM.”

Nepeta frowned. “:33 < im not sure that i agr33 to this after all...”

“UGH, I’LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR. LAST OFFER OR I WALK. AND BY THAT I MEAN I WALK STRAIGHT INTO THE SUN LIKE A FUCKING PIECE OF GARBAGE BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF LIVING IN A FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDY.” Finally, Nepeta agr33d.

“:33 < *the pouncellor leads her friend karkitty into her caves secret tunnel netpurrk” Nepeta narrated, as the two walked quickly through her shipping room. Taking care not to bunp the crates covering her favorite ship, (KARKATxNEPETA, OTP) she escorted Karkat into the ventilation system. The vents were fairly roomy but they still had to crouch down to ensure safe passage– as Karkat discovered when an errant honking noise caused him to jump in fear. After an agonizingly long few minutes looking and listening through the various grates, (“THEY COULD BE MAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.” Karkat whispered. “RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”) Karkat was relieved to discover that the couple had only just entered Kanaya’s room.

The view from the grate wasn’t amazing, but it would have to do. “:33 < and k33p quiet!! we dont want to interrupt the moment!” Nepeta whispered. Karkat sighed. It was a mistake trusting Nepeta to help him. Mission failure, for sure. Bitterly, he resigned himself to a torturous night full of sloppy human/troll makeouts.

* * *

 **Rose: Enter**

Rose had known for a while about Kanaya’s obvious crush on her and tonight was as good a night as any to deal with it; Kanaya had invited Rose to her room to look at a new outfit she’d designed for her. Rose had become quite close to Kanaya; they had become the best of friends, and they would often be seen walking around the halls, holding hands. Even so, Rose had yet to completely sort out her feelings. Steadying her breath, Rose allowed Kanaya to lead her into the room.

Despite the strange alien objects that decorated the room, the first thing to catch Rose’s eye was a human bed set up against a wall. Even more interesting, it was an exact replica of Rose’s bed, albeit with different bedsheets. “Why in God’s name is my bed in your room?” Rose inquired, curious.

“I Find Your Human Culture Fascinating.” Kanaya replied. “And Upon Asking Jade If She Could Send Me The Code For A Bed She Sent The Code For This. I Think Shes Trying To Meddle In Our Relationship.”

“Really. And how does it feel, sleeping on my bed?” She asked slyly.

“What Do You Mean?”

“I simply meant that sleeping in a human’s bed must be an interesting experience for you. Why do you ask? Did you think that there was anything more behind the question than that?”

“Rose Is There Anything You Say That Isnt Based Either On Sarcasm Or Misdirection?”

Rose smirked. “I thought that was what you liked about me.”

Kanaya responded in kind. “I Thought You Of All People Would Be Smart Enough To Know That Without Asking My Confirmation”

Rose continued her inspection of the room, and her eyes were drawn to a collection of fabrics that were strewn about in a corner of the room, next to an alien sewing machine. Next to the machine were Rose’s new robes. Rose examined the robes closely – they were very similar to her current pair, but there were two long slits cut into the side to allow for freer leg movement, and beautiful alien patterns stitched into the sleeves and chest.

“What do the inscriptions mean?” Rose inquired.

“Your Initials Converted Into My Language.” Kanaya answered, pointing to the design across the chest. “The Rest Is Decoration.”

 “Interesting.”

 “Do You Like Them? Kanaya asked, trying and failing to hide the nervousness in her voice. “Yes, I do. They’re quite beautiful, in fact. I think they’ll make an excellent replacement for this drab outfit.” Kanaya beamed.

“My Skills With The Loom Are Second To None.”

There was an awkward silence as Rose continued to examine the robes and Kanaya stood watching her, unable to think of anything else to say. Finally, she broke the silence. “Karkat Is Insistent That You Date John. I Find It Rather Humorous.”

“Yes, John told me about that. I hope he doesn’t think that I’m interested in him.” “You Arent?” Kanaya couldn’t hide her excitement. “Is...Is There Anyone That You Are Interested In?” Rose couldn’t resist laughing under her breath. The poor girl was simply awful at hiding her affections – Rose could easily guess at Kanaya’s intent. Rose had to admit she had grown quite close to the troll girl during their time together. She wasn’t quite sure if it was love or not, but she was prepared to give the relationship a chance.

“You seem awfully interested in my love life, Kanaya. Is there something you’re not telling me?” Kanaya blushed and shied away from Rose’s inquiry.

“Um I...” Kanaya fidgeted nervously, unable to articulate her feelings.

“Don’t bother. I think I already know.” Rose took Kanaya’s hand and pulled her into a soft embrace. Closing her eyes and taking the plunge, Rose softly pressed her lips against Kanaya’s.

An immediate feeling of warmth and comfort spread through her body, bubbling up into her heart and pumping through her veins. Rose hadn’t expected this; the feeling when they touched, the soft pressure of Kanaya’s fangs on her lip, the excitement coursing through her veins. Rose released the embrace, saw Kanaya’s lips quivering and her eyes pleading for more, and happily obliged.

The next kiss was deeper, more passionate. Rose cautiously pushed her tongue into Kanaya’s mouth and it was accepted. Tongues swirling around, the girls drank in each other’s scents and tastes, exploring their newfound lust, stopping only to breathe or to gasp their partner’s name before launching into another kiss.

Rose lost track of how many times they had kissed, of how much time they had spent in each other’s embrace. Had it been minutes? Hours? Passion overrode logic. Time no longer mattered. All that mattered was Kanaya’s sweet voice and loving breath.

No longer satisfied by simple kisses, Rose decided it was time to take the next step.

“Would you like to stop for now?” Rose asked, gently. Kanaya slowly shook her head and moved in for another kiss.

“Then, would you like to take things a step further?” Rose stepped backwards for a moment, undoing her sash with slow and deliberate movements. Trying to hold back her embarrassment, her eyes remained focused solely on Kanaya’s blushing face as her robe dropped to her waist. Kanaya gasped and began to turn away, only to find Rose’s soft hand on her cheek, directing her gaze back to her partner.

“You don’t have to look away.” Rose whispered softly. She felt her heart beating quickly against her chest and took a final look at Kanaya for reassurance. Her mind was made up. Rose took Kanaya’s hand and gently pulled it toward her chest.

“I love you, Kanaya.”

Kanaya blushed furiously. “I Think...” She shook her head and started again. “No, I Know I Love You Too”.

Rose nodded and leaned in for another kiss.

“I’ll be blunt, then. Make love to me, Kanaya.” Closing her eyes and accepting Rose’s embrace, Kanaya shuddered and felt her partner’s hands tracing a line down her back and around her waist. Rose stopped for another momentary kiss, then stepped back while her hands hooked around Kanaya’s shirt and stripped it off, exposing Kanaya’s soft curves and viridian nipples. Rose bent forward for a closer look.

“Except for the color, they look almost exactly like mine. Interesting.”

“Please Dont Look, Its So Embarrassing”, Kanaya managed to gasp, blushing an exquisite shade of green. Rose silenced her with another deep embrace, wrapping her arms around Kanaya and pressing their bodies tightly together. A stifled gasp escaped the troll girl’s lips as their breasts touched, as their tongues intertwined, as Rose lovingly caressed her body.

“How does it feel?” Rose asked with a sly smile.

“Amazing...Never Felt Like This Before!” Kanaya gasped.

“You know, Kanaya, I’m rather disappointed. Your voice has lost its articulate touch.”

“Its Rather Hard To Articulate With Your Touch Strangling My Voice”

Her rational mind was momentarily broken. Rose launched herself at Kanaya, devouring her mouth with another kiss before moving downwards, forming a wet trail of kisses leading from Kanaya’s neck to her breasts. Her tongue swirled circles around the tip, her teeth gently scraping across the nipple, her fingers cupping and gently massaging the other breast, and then Rose switched the points of attack. Overwhelming pleasure pulsed through Kanaya’s mind, her knees growing weak and her hands shooting out, her fingers running through Rose’s hair and sliding down to her shoulders for support.

Rose descended further. Her hand snaked down Kanaya’s chest and slipped into her dress, quickly searching out and finding a wet spot. Unsatisfied with just the fabric, her hand slid into Kanaya’s panties and happened across an unexpected protrusion – a soft, wet bulb where the usual human organ would be. Rose prodded the bulb and heard a soft moan from above her. Taking it as a sign to continue, she undid the skirt and pulled down the panties. As the clothing fell away, it revealed a small, flat bulb, very similar to a budding flower, with the same jade green tint as Kanaya’s blood.

Rose’s curiosity momentarily overpowered her lust.

“Fascinating. How does it work?” “

Wait A Moment, It Is Still Dormant”, Kanaya said with a shaking voice, unable to hide her arousal. “If My Research Is To Be Believed Youll Find It More Familiar When It Blooms.”

Rose stroked the bulb again, and surely enough, signalled by a moan and a shudder from above, the bulb shuddered and bloomed to reveal a small slit surrounded by tendril-like petals. Rose closed her eyes and tentatively leaned forward, running her tongue along a tendril and moving towards the opening. Kanaya’s sex had a strange, minty taste, which was quite possibly a reflection of her identifying color.

“Rose! That Feels...” Kanaya’s sentence trailed off as another moan escaped her lips. Rose easily pushed her tongue inside, finding and rolling it around a small nub. Kanaya’s knees buckled, the petals shuddered, and a small amount of fluid leaked out. “Oh My Gog” Kanaya let out her loudest moan yet. Sensing her partner’s arousal, Rose ascended for another passionate kiss and dropped her hand to continue the lower assault. Her tongue twisted around Kanaya’s upper mouth while her fingers searched for the sweet spot inside the lower mouth, finding it moments later and rubbing it gently. Alerted by another wave of fluid, Rose released the kiss and gazed deeply into her partner’s eyes. Kanaya had a dreamy, distant look on her face, and, unable to stand straight, was leaning against Rose for support. Clearly, the troll girl had almost reached her climax.

“We Should Get A Bucket”, Kanaya managed to gasp. ”I Think Im About To--”

“No buckets, Kanaya. Didn’t you say you were interested in human culture? We’ll do it my way.”

“But Thats—“, Rose gave Kanaya a comforting smile and caressed her cheek.

“Trust me.” Kanaya nodded, and Rose renewed her attack. Rose’s tongue twirled around in Kanaya’s mouth, a hand focused on her breasts, and the other focused on her jade petals.

“Rose, Im--!” With one final gasp, Kanaya gave in to her lust, shuddering and clutching Rose tightly for support while a steady stream of fluid flowed from her viridian blossom.

“That Was Amazing” Kanaya gasped, sinking downwards onto the fluid-stained bed. “I Didnt Know I Could Feel Like That”

“Trolls and humans aren’t as different as I first thought.” Rose admitted. She cradled Kanaya’s body in her arms, stroking her hair softly as she spoke. For a while afterwards the two were silent, content in each other’s embrace.

“Would you like to go another round?” Rose asked, breaking the silence. Kanaya nodded and moved in for a kiss, but before the two could begin they were interrupted by a sudden sound.

It was the tell-tale sound of a muffled shout and a crash, and it was coming from the vent behind them.

* * *

 **Karkat: Abscond**

“DAMN IT NEPETA LET ME GO” Karkat lay in the vent, thrashing and cursing under his breath while his catlike sidekick hissed in his ear and pinned him to the ground with her claws. Sloppy human/troll makeouts were happening, right now. RIGHT NOW! And there was nothing he could do about it!

“:33 < purrlease, karkitty? you love romance, so give them a chance!”

“UGH, FINE. WILL YOU JUST GET OFF OF ME?”

“:33 < no way!!” Nepeta sat up only enough to allow Karkat breathing room. “:33 < its disappurrnting, but you cant be trusted!”

“OH GOD THE CAT PUNS”

Karkat sighed and looked back through the grate. The sight made him contort in horror –Rose and Kanaya were half-naked, pressed against each other, practically making love to each other’s mouths. Karkat gagged. How in the world could anybody find something like this arousing? He had to admit, though, Kanaya did look sort of cute in this light. And Rose wasn’t half bad, either. Transfixed by a bizarre mixture of horror and fascination and only dimly aware of his surroundings, Karkat lost track of time.

Kanaya’s climax snapped Karkat back to his senses. How much time had he spent watching them have sex? As Karkat reached for his watch, he suddenly became aware of a wet spot on his leg, and he realised that Nepeta was grinding her crotch against it, mewling softly. What the fuck? Fearing the worst, he turned to look at his friend – and noticed a third troll sitting in the vent next to him.

Karkat yelled loudly and recoiled sharply, smashing the back of his head into the vent wall. With a strangled yelp, Nepeta sank her claws into his leg, turned around, bowled over the previously unseen troll, and scampered out of the vent, howling.

“WHAT THE FUCK ERIDAN, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?” Karkat shouted, grabbing the fish by his neck and slamming him against the wall.

“heard some noises in the vvents and wwent to invvestigate, and wwell im not complainin about wwhat i found” Eridan responded.

Before Karkat could continue his interrogation, he was interrupted by a murderous aura emanating from Kanaya’s room. His body suddenly seized by a primal fear for his life, Karkat flattened himself across the ground and held on tightly to a small crack in the vent. From above him he felt a dark pulse of energy rip through the vent and pull Eridan into its gaping maw. Without stopping to look back, Karkat mouthed a prayer for the fallen douchebag and crawled away as fast as his knees could carry him.

Eridan would later be seen limping away from Kanaya’s room, clutching his nether area and muttering incoherently to himself. When asked about the incident, he could only manage to articulate “im nevver going to havve sex again” before walking away in tears.

HAPPY ENDING?

* * *


	2. Nepeta: Abscond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta, flushed with embarrassment due to her actions at the end of the previous chapter, scrambles through the vents and hides out in her shipping room. Luckily for her, porn logic says she gets to have sex with Karkat. So she does.

**Nepeta: Abscond**

Nepeta crawled through the ventilation shafts, her face flushed with neon green embarrassment. It was bad enough that her finely tuned senses hadn’t detected Eridan approaching; under normal circumstances she would consider that act alone to be a mortal sin. Worse than that, though, was the way she had acted in front of her beloved. Allowing her heat to get the better of her, masturbating by rubbing against his leg? To add injury upon insult, she had scratched his leg up in her surprise! She would have troubles ever looking him straight in the eyes again.

And yet, it was inevitable. She would have to apologize at some point. Apologize, and hope he could put it behind him – as if she could put the incident behind her.

Soon enough, after only a few minutes of searching, Nepeta found the entrance back into her shipping room. She slumped against the wall, lost in thought. Her pussy was still itching, unsatisfied, and she began absentmindedly pawing at it while she let her imagination linger. What if she could actually manage to win Karkat’s affection? It would never happen of course – _ooh yes that’s the spot right there_ – he was already involved with Terezi, and Jade was another possible match. Still, what if? He was always so cute when he refused to roleplay with her – _mmmn yes tweak that petal that’s it_ – and she knew that deep down he thought of her as a close friend. In her purrfect world he would be pushing her down onto a furry mattress – _there we go starting to get wet again_ – and she would be wrapping her legs around him and mewling his name softly as he pushed his bulge inside her and began thrusting.

Heat was quickly spreading through Nepeta’s body and her green fluids were starting to stain her panties. She stripped off her clothes and resumed pawing at her breasts and pussy, allowing herself to be lost in her fantasy again. Where was she? Oh yes, Karkat would start thrusting and she would moan sweetly as he pounded into her. Lewd noises would emanate – _mmn yes, I really n33d this right now_ – as their hot, wet bodies slid together. Pumping faster and faster as they began heating up, he would whisper her name as he shot his hot come into her – _starting to get close, move those fingers faster Nepeta_ – and she would curl up beside him in a ball and purr contentedly and fall asleep as he cradled her in his arms – _karkat you f33l so warm beside me_ – and sensually rubbed her breasts.

They wouldn’t stop there either! They would wake up in each other’s arms again the next morning, and as he looked at her hot naked body his bulge would start throbbing and hardening again – _yes yes yes i’m feeling so hot right now_ – and she would look at him mischievously and ask him if he wanted to go again. He would of course say yes and she would pounce on him and they would start fucking again, faster and harder this time – _ohhhhh I think I’m about to come!!_ – and she would be screaming his name in ecstasy and grinding against his cock and _yes Karkitty keep going just like that, fuck me more Karkitty, mrowr!!!_

With a yowl, Nepeta climaxed, her fluids spilling across the floor as she shook with ecstacy. Her face and mind were both flushed with thoughts of her unrequited love. Why couldn’t Karkat see her the way she wanted him to see her? Oh well. She could keep trying, and she would win his heart eventually!

Wait. What was that sound?

Nepeta’s ears twitched as she detected a presence crawling through the vents. Flushing green, she realized she had yet to clean up in the aftermath of her heated masturbation session. Quickly, she pulled her clothing back on, and pulled down some crates to hide the olive spill with which she had drenched the floor. Just in time, she was ready to greet her visitor – and of course, it was Karkat.

“I FIGURED YOU WOULD BE BACK HERE.” Karkat stepped out of the vent and regarded Nepeta with crossed arms. “THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH A QUALIFIED MAJOR DISASTER BACK THERE WITH ERIDAN. I ALMOST FEEL SORRY FOR THE POOR GRUBFUCKER. ALMOST.”

Nepeta blushed and looked away as his presence forced her to recall her lewd behavior in the vent. “:(( < im sorry about earlier, karkitty” she said quietly.

“WHAT? OH, YEAH. THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO WET YOUR FLAP USING MY LEG AS YOUR PERSONAL HUMPING POST, I URGE YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT FOR A FEW SECONDS, REMEMBER HOW FUCKING BADLY IT ENDED THIS TIME, AND RECONSIDER.”

 “:(( < i was such a bad kitty! please furgive me...” Nepeta looked back at Karkat and pouted sadly. She hated having to do this in front of the man she loved, but damage control was top priority after such an awful mistake.

“JUST DON’T FUCKING DO IT AGAIN, OKAY? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.”

“:33 < ok i wont ever do it again! thats a purromise!” There was a moment of silence. “:33 < didnt you think rose and kanaya were so sw33t though? i couldnt resist after s33ing them like that.” Nepeta was back to her usual chipper self.

“UGH. IT WAS DISGUSTING AND I HATE MYSELF FOR HAVING TO WATCH IT. SPYING ON THEM WAS ONE OF THE WORST IDEAS I’VE EVER HAD, AND I’M PRACTICALLY A WHIRLING LOAD GAPER FULL OF BAD IDEAS. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME I’M GOING TO GO SMASH MY FACE INTO A WALL AND CRY.”

“:33 < you shouldnt put yourself down like that. youre not that pawful!”

“WHATEVER. THANKS I GUESS. I’M OUT.”    Nepeta stared at Karkat’s retreating back sadly. She didn’t want him to go yet; not only would their conversation be ending on a sour note for her, she didn’t like having to hear him insult himself. Suddenly, an idea occurred to her. She was going to make Karkat have a good time whether he wanted it or not!




“:33 < wait, karkitty! didnt you purromise that you would do anything i wanted fur an entire hour?” Karkat stopped dead and turned around with a horrified look on his face.

 “OH GOG NEPETA I’M NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU, THAT PROMISE CAN GO FUCK ITSELF.”

 “:33 < dont be so purrsumptuous, karkitty. i was only going to ask you to play games with me!” Nepeta said, somewhat surprised at Karkat’s unexpected leap of logic.

“OH. UM.” Karkat blushed and looked away sheepishly. There was an extremely long pause as the two stood there, looking away from each other awkwardly. Finally, he spoke:  “WELL IN A BLIND FIT OF STUPIDITY I DID SAY IT WAS A DEAL, SO I GUESS I’VE GOT NO CHOICE HERE.”

“:33 < thanks karkitty!” Nepeta sprang into action, pouncing Karkat, tackling him to the ground, and pulling him into a big hug.

“GAH FUCK NEPETA, GET OFF ME!” Karkat’s reply was expected, but much less expected was the sudden pressure Nepeta felt against her leg. Her mind froze up. What was going on? Was this a dream, or a nightmare, or did Karkat actually for some reason have an erection right now?

Only one way to find out. “:33 < um, i think your bulge is poking me.”

“NO IT ISN’T I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT HA HA HA” It was an obvious lie; Karkat’s face flushed with embarrassment and he tried to push Nepeta away.

“:33 < liar.” Nepeta flashed him a mischievous grin. “:33 < purrhaps you really were turned on by those two! or maybe...by me?”

“NO, THAT’S NOT...FUCK.” Karkat was interrupted as Nepeta quickly whisked his pants down and pulled out his erect bulge.

“:33 < h33 h33! what a cute looking bulge!”

Karkat scowled.

 “FUCK YOU. IT’S NOT CUTE, IT’S MORE LIKE...ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. YEAH. THAT’S WHAT MY BULGE IS.” Nepeta giggled. He could protest all he wanted, but she thought Karkat was just the cutest friend she had – he was cute, and he was irresistible, and even the faintest hint of his scent was enough to drive Nepeta wild. She brought her face closer to his bulge and gave it a light poke, giggling with perverse glee as it twitched.

“NO NO NO, DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE ABOUT TO—“ Nepeta nodded and started licking the underside of his shaft, channelling her inner kitten and mewing as she did so. “GAH FUCK NEPETA, THAT ACTUALLY FEELS KIND OF...”

Karkat’s voice trailed off as Nepeta brought her tongue up, swirling it around the tip and giving it a gentle kiss. “:33 < mmm...it tastes like cherry!” She was vaguely aware of Karkat rambling about “GIRLS AND THEIR FUCKING OBSESSION WITH THAT FLAVOR”, but she paid him no heed as she made her way back down the shaft with a trail of kisses.

“;33 < hmm...and whats this?” Reaching the end of her journey, she found herself drawn to a single red petal, which lay alone in place of the normal bloom that would be wrapped around the base of the shaft. Intrigued, she bit down on the petal and gently tugged at it, cutting off Karkat’s rant.

“H-HOLY SHIT WHAT DID YOU JUST—“ She giggled and pulled it further into her mouth, licking at the very base underneath the petal. Karkat’s hips bucked and his voice was reduced to moans and assorted swears.

“;33 < h33 h33 karkitty, are you already about to spurrt?” Nepeta released her grasp on the petal, idly licking his shaft again.

“AM I...WHAT?”

“:33 < about to purrgasm silly!”

“WHAT THE FUCK, NEPETA?”

“>:(( < about to orgasm!”

“OH. SEE, NOW WHY COULDN’T YOU JUST FUCKING SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?”

Nepeta pouted, momentarily stopping her movement. “:33 < well are you?” Her cuddly kitten eyes bored into his soul, and he looked away, blushing.

“Y-YES. UGH, FUCK YOU FOR THIS HAPPENING, OK? I JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT VERY CLEAR RIGHT FUCKING NOW.”

With a delighted giggle, Nepeta resumed her movements; sloppily licking and kissing wherever she could reach, taking the head into her mouth and swirling her tongue around it, and using her fingers to toy with the petal. Her efforts were soon rewarded, Karkat’s bulge twitching and erupting with a jet of hot, red fluid.With glee, she lapped up as much of the cherry flavour as she could, and allowed the rest to fall onto her chest.

“SH-SHOULDN’T WE GO GET A BUCKET? YOU LOOK KIND OF GROSS COVERED IN MY—“ Nepeta quickly silenced him with a kiss, pouncing upwards and forcing her tongue into his mouth. Her hips grinded against his and she was vaguely aware of a growing wetness in her crotch, urging her to make her next move.

“;33 < can you go again, karkitty?”

“DO I LOOK LIKE A PREPUBESCENT ASSHOLE WRIGGLER? THAT’S PLAIN INSULTING, OF COURE I CAN GO AGAIN, MORON.” It was the typical Karkat response – and it only fuelled Nepeta’s hunger. Making her best attempt at a seductive wink –one that ended up looking more silly than seductive _–_ she mewled and rubbed her crotch against his.

“;33 < then whenevfur you want...my pussy is ready fur you!”

There was a pause.

“YOU FUCKING NAMED IT? YOU NAMED IT PUSSY?”

“:OO < no no no! thats a human word fur it! i thought it was cute, h33 h33!”

Another pause.

“WHAT THE SHIT.”

Yet another awkward pause. Restless, Nepeta bounced impatiently on his lap.

“OH. RIGHT. YEAH.”

Finally, Karkat positioned the tip of his bulge at her entrance. Tired of waiting, Nepeta dropped herself down, quickly forcing him inside her. Blindsided by sudden, pulsing pleasure, she yowled and roughly pressed herself against his chest.Karkat was unsuccessfully trying to hide his own pleasure, unable stifle his gasping voice and bucking hips.

“H-HOLY SHIT NEPETA, YOU’RE LIKE A FUCKING RACECAR ON STEROIDS. DIDN’T THE SWEATBALL YOU CALL A MOIRAIL EVER TEACH YOU TH—YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND, I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT.”

Nepeta giggled, bouncing gleefully on Karkat’s lap and mewling as he pumped his bulge inside her. Wet, sloppy sounds were emanating from the point of contact, and pleasure was numbing her senses.

Perhaps if she was paying more attention to the world around her, she would have noticed that once again there was a third party present, watching from the vents. As it stood, however, she was far too busy drowning in ecstacy, breathing in Karkat’s sweet scent and losing herself in his embrace.

It wasn’t until it was far too late to stop that she realized a third person had entered the room, and she heard a far too familiar voice.

“WH4T 4 SHOCK1NG D3V3LOPM3NT!!!”

Nepeta and Karkat both recoiled, scrambling backwards and separating themselves as quickly as possible. Karkat was spitting expletives and trying to apologize, Nepeta was completely speechless, and Terezi was simply cackling madly, feigning a look of utter surprise and betrayal.

“TH1S B3H4V1OR 1S SO COMPL3T3LY 1LL3G4L! 1’LL H4V3 TO PL4C3 YOU UND3R 4RR3ST, MR. V4NT4S!”

As she spoke, she produced a pair of handcuffs and waved them in front of Karkat’s nonplussed face, placing a hand on her chin and pretending to be lost in thought. She glanced over to Nepeta and winked.

“WH4T SHOULD 1 DO W1TH TH1S CR1M1N4L SCUM?

Nepeta grinned. She hadn’t had the chance to roleplay with Terezi in such a long time – this was going to be fun.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a copy of my original authors notes at the time this was first written, a few months back:
> 
> Oh God, how does I write erotic fanfiction? Apparently like this, because I just did it. And you just read it. And you probably thought it was awful and I probably think that because I have no self-esteem. Anyway, presuming that you actually want me to write some more, here’s a list of my next ideas for fanfiction, so you can totally choose one and tell me which one you want me to write next.
> 
> [List removed since I've since gone on to finish more stories]


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